How I learned to stop worrying

You know like how Christians think everything happening in the world is the sign of the end times? I’m starting to understand that now. Not that I think the world is coming to an end. It was here long before us and will be here long after us. But the absurd kidnapping of a foreign leader reminds me that things have to get worse before they get better. So in other words, the relief I feel feels less like Christian vindication and more like seeing signs of a long running TV series “jumping the shark” before getting its well deserved cancellation. With any luck, the era of Trump is entering its red supergiant phase before the final supernova and thus leaving a deep, dark black hole on the soul of America forever and ever. Amen.

We all knew that there was only one way this could have ended.

Of course, with a probable end in sight, it’s easy for an American to feel a sense of zen. I don’t live in Venezuela, Iran, Nigeria, Palestine, Yemen, or any other country that the US claims dominion over. For people there, one administration is no different from the other. Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.

Anywho! Happy new year!

Dick pills

I’m an old son of a bitch. Some days I’ll shit my pants at Waffle House. Other days I’ll drive for miles with my turn signal on. Then again, I’ll confuse viagra for blood pressure medication and intensely watch Matlock. At night, I’ll wake up in a pool of piss after dreaming about the Wehrmacht soldier I drowned in shallow mud near the bloody Somme. And when a man thanks me for my service, I’ll pull him closer and whisper I should be in The Hague for the things I’ve done. But dementia has a way of assuaging my guilt. To silence the screams of all the men I senselessly killed in battle, I drink Tito’s Vodka which goes down smooth with a nice can of Coca-Cola. Tito’s™️ For When You Want to Forget War Crimes.

But when the police are dispatched because your grown children have reported you missing and you’re found wondering Home Depot without pants on, be sure to ask your doctor about Razadyne for a mild onset of Alzheimer’s. Side effects may include death and mass murder, to say nothing of the raging nightmare that is waking life.

That’s why I’ve switched to Cialis. It’s hard enough to battle decrepit old age and unrepentant alcoholism. Why struggle with maintaining a long-lasting erection? Though I haven’t had sex in 40 years, sometimes you need that “edge” to drive 90mph southbound in the northbound lane. So go to Bluechew.com, consult a “doctor”, and have a 90 day supply of dick pills sent discreetly to your home.

Bluechew™️—you’re already dead inside. So make it a Blewchew™️ kind of day.

SOS

Some days, it’s simply too hard to pick up a pen and bring a blank page to life. This is especially true when you’ve had your hands broken by the Russian mafia. So needless to say, it’s been a rough couple of weeks. Luckily I’ve found a faint internet connection in this abandoned warehouse in Yakaterinburg and as I dictate words to my fellow captor, Ivan, before we’re both lit on fire and tossed into the Iset River, we’d like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

With any luck, we won’t starve to death or have our testicles crushed, and maybe we’ll escape the hands of our captors and the nightmarish Siberian winter to make it across the Chinese border in time for Valentine’s Day. No promises though. In the meantime, be thankful to be surrounded by friends and family and be cautious of which emails you respond to because you might find yourself entangled in a web of international crime. So please, reach out to your local Russian embassy because the lives of Ivan and I depend on it.

Have a Happy New Year!

2025 NFL uniform ranking (part iv-the good shit)

Alright, let’s get this shit over with as quickly as possible. To appeal to our neighbors in the north, I will be ranking the NHL uniforms next despite not knowing dick about hockey. That seems like a natural progression. In the meantime, here’s the next part of my list:

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

We all know that the prior iteration, the Jameis Winston era, of this outfit was dog ass. And I mean TOTALLY dookie shoes. It was probably the worst uniform in NFL history to be honest. So they rolled back to a more solid red and pewter gray kit. It ain’t the creamsicle orange but it’s still a good uniform.

19. Miami Dolphins

Moving down to Miami, I will say that I like the newish dolphin logo. It’s probably the only “modern” design that pairs well with the uniform. Now I do have a love/hate relationship with the colors. They honestly make me want to puke. This is why I prefer the all-white throwbacks. But aqua and orange fits the city well which is why I give it a pass.

18. Dallas Cowboys

I welcome the city of Dallas’ hate with open arms. And for the record, I’m not entirely comfortable with putting the Cowboys in the lower half. But like I’ve said all along—it’s been a very strong year for uniforms. And I will say that Jerry Jones’ team does look sharp, as they historically have. But because Dallas has been THE marquee team for the last 30 years, their fresh and clean look kinda feels a tad underwhelming nowadays.

17. Cleveland Browns

Brown and orange doesn’t inspire a lot of fans but I respect the choice. It feels old school. Though I don’t know what the consensus is on the alternatives, I do prefer the solid brown outfit with orange numbers. It’s a fresh take on an old concept.

Oh Canada😏

Through all the pain, misery, depression, crippling anxiety, diabetes, and mounds and mounds of self loathing, there’s still one thing I look forward to. In this day and age of misinformation, disinformation, economic uncertainty, deteriorating infrastructure, rising unemployment, political instability, climate change, senseless wars, endless online brain rot, spiraling death cults of personality, unwanted artificial intelligence, oligarchical domination, hatred towards the other, rolling back of civil rights, and an overwhelming sense of damnation from god, we must find joy wherever it may be found.

And you can find that joy specifically at Tim Hortons

Their delightful customer service will help you pick out the perfect coffee to stave off suicidal ideation for one more day with their choice of French Vanilla, iced cappuccino, mocha latte, or original blend.

Thinking about “detonating” your vehicle in a crowded downtown area? Consider picking up a delicious sausage and egg bagel before you do.

You see, at Tim Horton’s, we make modern life only slightly more bearable. We may not be able to cure your ass cancer or crippling medical debt, but we can make this meaningless odyssey towards death a bit tastier with our chocolate glazed donuts and cinnamon croissant muffins.

So run to the toilet and vomit up them sleeping pills! And when you’re done with that, stop into your local Tim Hortons and thank the pagan gods for creating Canada 🇨🇦

Tim Hortons ™️: Toujours frais, toujours Tim Hortons!

2025 NFL uniform ranking (part iii- getting better)

Brain ain’t working too good again so I’m back to phoning it in. This time about NFL uniforms. Like I said, in my estimation, this has been a very strong year for NFL uniforms and there’s not one in the bunch that I despise with all my being. So if your team is near the bottom, that sucks. There’s just too many good contenders.

24. Chicago Bears

The navy blue, white, and orange striping is a solid look. Personally, I prefer the orange alternatives but they aren’t wearing those this year. Chicago did the right thing and made the pissed off bear it’s official logo. But now is time to do the righter thing: slap that bear decal on the side of the helmet.

23. Arizona Cardinals

Shout out to Arizona for keeping their uniforms boring. That’s tradition and I’m glad they’re sticking to it. My problem isn’t with the all red and all white home/away kit. My problem is with the all black alts and cream “rivalry” outfit. Teams need to understand that they aren’t as cool as the Raiders, Steelers, and Saints (or even Panthers and Falcons for that matter). Let them wear black cuz the rest of y’all look like try-hards. And that cream kit? It looks like a rejected Oklahoma Sooner alternative.

22. Denver Broncos

Because there’s so many good uniforms, I have to get nitpicky here. If the throwbacks were the primary outfit, the Broncos might have the best uniform in the league. While I think navy blue and orange mesh well together, the jagged markings on the sleeves just don’t work for me. Plus (and I might be in the minority on this) I think the logo has overstayed its welcome.

21. Los Angeles Rams

This uniform has improved significantly in my rankings. I HATED it when it first debuted. But I’ve come to respect it — NOT love it —but there are things I appreciate. The royal blue and golden yellow remain incredible together. Ditch the color gradient on the numbers and this kit might move up one spot.

checkmate

Aaron Burr. Deforest Kelley. Stonewall Jackson. Daniel Webster. JP Morgan. Dylan McDermott. Grover Cleveland. Henry Cabot Lodge. George Custer. Doc Holliday. Tom Cruise. Fatty Arbuckle. Hernando De Soto. Kaiser Wilhelm II. Norm Van Brocklin. William Jennings Bryan. William Jefferson Clinton. Johnny “Fuckin” Appleseed. Chip Kelly. Alfred Hitchcock. Adolf Hitler. Richard Nixon. Jim Jones. Bob Balaban. George Patton. George Kennedy. Howard Cosell. Jesus Christ. Bob Dole. Joe Rogan. Steve Urkel. Russell Brand. Dylan McDermott. Terry Crews. Terry Bradshaw. Terry Gilliam. Terry Ferrel. Terry O’Quinn. Terry Fox. Terry Prachett. Terry Chen. Terry Dodson. Preston Terry. And now Quentin Tarantino….

What do all these men have in common?

I hated them before all of you.

So remember: It always pays to jump on the hate train early 👍

son of a bitch!

In my ongoing blood feud with Amazon.com CEO Jeffrey Bezos, the billionaire has made me a laughing stock by publishing my latest book Vanitas (available on Amazon.com) in the size of a goddamn college textbook. You could say I’m partially to blame because I “don’t understand how dimensions work”. But we all know that’s bullshit.

Bezos set me up for failure. Plain and simple.

Now I could theoretically go back on Amazon KDP and adjust the dimensions to make the physical copy more aligned with a traditional paperback size. But that would be admitting defeat. I don’t make mistakes. Every action I take is a highly calculated and I execute it without error. This time is no different.

Jeff Bezos thought he lured me into making an error. But the truth is he was an unwitting agent working on my behalf. In other words, while he was playing checkers, I was playing 4D Chess. Confused? Let me walk you through this. When Vanitas was published, Bezos thought he was confusing me with all these “dimensions” to choose from (16×9, 6×9, 420×69, etc). But little did he know that Vanitas was such a perfect product that it didn’t matter what size the physical copy would be. IN FACT, the larger the better. Because if Hollywood comes a-callin’, Vanitas would be automatically available in script size. So BAM! I just saved producers time AND money.

THAT’S called thinking four steps ahead! THAT’S called being a genius! So checkmate you bald bastard!

Get your copy of Vanitas TODAY at Amazon.com!

What are you doing with your life?

Are you a sad sack of shit?

Do you take dick pills because your dick don’t work?

Do you ever consider waving a gun at the police because “life just ain’t worth living no more”?

Well I have good news for you! Vanitas is now available on Amazon!

“But I don’t want to clutter my home with useless shit!” you bitch and moan. Well guess what! You can also purchase it on Kindle!

“Do you have it in audiobook form?”

Fuck no! What’s your deal? Do you not know how to read?! Get to Amazon.com and give Jeff Bezos $9.99 for a shitty copy of Vanitas today!

(And I mean TODAY you cheap son of a bitch!)

I’m so embarrassed 🙈

So I was minding my business at Home Depot when an employee harassed me by the power tools. He came up to me slightly perturbed with an abundance of rage radiating from his eyes. He came to me and said “do you need help sir?”

I nodded and told him, “Yes. I’ve been standing here for 8 hours waiting for someone to help me! Can you tell me the difference between the Ryobi 18V impact drill and the DeWalt 20v orbital sander?!”

“Of course sir. One’s an impact drill and the other is a sander.”

“Uh huh. And which one would you recommend to clean out a p-trap?”

“I recommend you go to the plumbing department for that.”

Finally I had enough of his shit. “Don’t get snappy with me young man!” I told him. “I’m just looking to find tulips to plant in my garden! Don’t be a fuckin asshole! What’s happened to this country!? Used to be a man could come to Home Depot and get his salad tossed in the paint department! Now he can’t even get tugged off in the garden department! Your generation has fucked everything up!”

“But I’m 78 years old sir.”

“Oh yeah?” I said sarcastically. “Well if you’re so smart, can you tell me where to find spark plugs?!”

“For your lawn mower?”

“No! For my 85 Dodge Daytona!”

The employee nodded and gently placed his had on my shoulder. “I think you’re looking for an AutoZone sir,” he said.

Boy did I have egg on my face! 😅