Some days, it’s simply too hard to pick up a pen and bring a blank page to life. This is especially true when you’ve had your hands broken by the Russian mafia. So needless to say, it’s been a rough couple of weeks. Luckily I’ve found a faint internet connection in this abandoned warehouse in Yakaterinburg and as I dictate words to my fellow captor, Ivan, before we’re both lit on fire and tossed into the Iset River, we’d like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
With any luck, we won’t starve to death or have our testicles crushed, and maybe we’ll escape the hands of our captors and the nightmarish Siberian winter to make it across the Chinese border in time for Valentine’s Day. No promises though. In the meantime, be thankful to be surrounded by friends and family and be cautious of which emails you respond to because you might find yourself entangled in a web of international crime. So please, reach out to your local Russian embassy because the lives of Ivan and I depend on it.
Have a Happy New Year!
The Internet Ruined Everything 