Setting the record straight

Folks, I’ve sustained yet another injury at the toilet factory. Workman’s comp got rejected so I turned in my United Healthcare card and hoped for the best. For the record, I was definitely NOT in New York City on West 54th Street during the morning of December 4th, 2024.

But while I was recovering from my injuries, I got to thinking “how am I so brittle? I’m only 94 years old! I gotta work for thirty more years!”. Then a sense of existential dread came over me that almost made me want to turn that muzzled 9mm I used to shoot that CEO…err, I mean….it almost made me want to kill myself (which again, for the record, I only wanted to kill myself because I was depressed. NOT because I allegedly shot a CEO of a health insurance provider).

So after I leisurely left the scene, I found myself hopping on a Greyhound Bus headed for the Canadian border. I sat next to an older man (he was 96 years old) who gave me a timeless piece of advice. While he was whittling away his toenails with a pocket knife he told me “know when to rest. But not only seek pleasure, but seek purpose as well.” I nodded at the old kook and fell asleep. When I woke, the old man had died and I stole his passport. After crossing the border, I boarded a plane directly to Moscow where I’m sure Uncle Joe (Biden) will preemptively pardon me (not that I did anything wrong mind you).

But the old man’s words stuck with me. Seek purpose, he said. But how can I find purpose in a world that views me only as a body ripe for exploitation? Work is the only thing I know. Work, mind you, that serves no vital function; that only benefits the rarified few. Have I wasted the best year of my life? I batter and abuse my body day after day. And for what? For a few golden years in a swiftly decaying state? And we’ve been drowning in this condition for so long. No, worse than drowning. We’ve been DEAD. Just as our handlers want us to be. For the dead don’t speak. They don’t complain. But we’re WORSE than dead; the mind keeps ticking, buried in a corpse waiting to be buried. My time is gone.

ANYWAYS! Thanks folks. See ya next time 😘