“Now Cornelius, those Twinkies are for everyone,” I shouted at my grandson. We were standing around the break table. It was the first day of shooting and the crew was waiting for Greta to arrive on set. Casper approached me with questions about his wardrobe.
“Are you sure I should wear this raccoon tale hanging out my ass?” he asked.
“Casper, I spent 7 months in pre-production preparing this shithole of a movie. Now’s not the time to be calling audibles,” I told him.
Minutes later, Greta and Pablo waltzed on set like they were Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. Pablo handed her a lunch bag and she leaned forward to peck him on the cheek. Rage boiled in my veins as she jogged over to the production offices.
“I just don’t feel comfortable acting with something shoved up my rectum,” Casper kept bitching.
“Shut the fuck up Casper,” I said then shoved him aside. I approached Pablo, grabbed him by the lapels, and pushed him up against the wall. “Kick his ass, Pops!” I could hear Cornelius shouting a few feet away.
“Goddamnit Pablo,” I yelled. “You knew how I felt about Greta! How dare you betray our friendship like this!”
“Like what?” Pablo cowardly asked with his hands raised in the air. “I swear James, I didn’t mean to fall in love with her! It’s just that we started talking and my penis got hard! I didn’t mean to piss you off!”
I let go of his shirt as I came to my senses. His back remained squared up against the wall of the studio. “As co-director of this project, I hereby ban you from coming on set,” I ordered.
“But James, I’m her agent!” Pablo pleaded.
“Take it up with Dan Gillespie…my NEW agent.”
Pablo whimpered and ran away. Dick Warburton walked up behind me and patted me on the back. “Well done, well done,” he said, “but don’t let him off so easily. You must penetrate that knife deep into his bowels and let him watch the entrails bleed out. Then he will know your wrath.”
TO BE CONTINUED…
The Internet Ruined Everything 