Booty cheeks

For the first time in my 109 years on earth, I’m trying to get hot. I mean, I’ve actually started combing my hair. Can you believe that shit?

I’m also trying to get absolutely JACKED. I want to rise up out of the ocean like Daniel Craig in Casino Royale with a blue speedo on and everyone think “I want some of that” before i disappoint them with my helplessly average penis. The problem is I’ve never weighed more than 98 pounds in my life.

Instead of looking like Daniel Craig, I look more like Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver.

To help put on the weight, I’ve just started pounding the supplements and basically eating out of a trash can. Whatever shitty food is out there, I’ve been eating it. And nothing has been shittier than Burger King.

So I pulled up to the window to place my order. The girl asks over the intercom “can I take your order?”

I say “yeah, I’d like a crispy royal chicken and…”

“Can you hold on a second?” she rudely interrupts.

So I sit there quietly for ten minutes before she comes back. “Sorry about that, can I take your order?”

“Yes, I’d like a crispy royal chicken…”

“Hold on.”

26 minutes later she comes back. “I’m sorry, are you ready to order?”

“Yes, a goddamn crispy royal chicken sandwich with a fucking Pepsi!”

“We only serve Coke products sir.”

“I don’t drink that piss water!”

“So you want just the chicken sandwich?”

“Yes! And some chicken fingers too!”

“Would you like any barbecue or Buffalo dipping sauce?”

“Give me some Buffalo sauce!”

“We’re all out of buffalo sauce sir.”

“Nevermind then. Just give me some fries!”

“Small, medium, or large?”

“Medium!”

“You can only do small or large.”

“Fuck me! Just give me small.”

“Will that be all?”

“Get me a strawberry shake too!”

“That will $204.97, first window.”

Then when they gave me my order, they handed me a bacon cheeseburger with onion rings! Instead returning it and ranting and raving like I’d normally do, I ate it and it tasted like ASS.

THE END