Fckn passports

So I called up the US State Department to see what the hold up was on my passport.

“US Department of State, how may I help you?” the woman on the phone asked.

“Yeah, where the fuck is my passport BITCH?!”

“Just one moment please.”

Moments later a gentleman answered the phone. “This is Secretary Anthony Blinken, what seems to be the problem?”

“Tell your people to get off their lazy asses and get my passport processed!” I demanded.

“Well it appears that you’re on the no-fly list stemming from an incident in 2012 when you pulled out your penis on a plane en route to Dubai.”

“And as I explained to the air marshal, we were flying over the desert and it got a little stuffy. My balls get a little sweaty, you know what I mean? Is there any way that we can get this process expedited?!”

“Sure, for an extra $20,000, we can shorten the normal waiting period of 36 weeks down to 35.”

“Goddamnit, alright. Let me get my wallet,” I vexed.

So it doesn’t look like I’ll be in England in November after all. Thanks Obama!