It’s time (Part IV)

“You gotta get me out of this,” Darrel pleaded to his agent. “I’m not even supposed to be talking to you on the phone. If they find it, they won’t feed me!”

“Well I’m going through the agreement now and I’m sorry Darrel, it’s pretty ironclad,” Big Beef explained. “Besides, how bad can it be? It’s only a goddamn seminar!”

“I’m telling ya: Darrel, the other one, is trying to kill me here! Is there anything in the agreement about accidental death?”

Big Beef scanned the pages again. “Yes there is: in the event of your death, the publisher is entitled to the rights of your entire bibliography plus a $50 million payout from insurance.”

“Damn it Big Beef! Why did you let me sign that?”

“I thought you read through the whole thing!”

“I’m telling you Beef, when I get out of here I’m gonna shove my fist right up your….”, a big beefy guard interrupted the conversation by tapping Darrel on the shoulder. Darrel turned around and the guard snatched the phone and crushed it with his bare hand, case protector and all.

“Back to the auditorium,” the guard ordered.

“Can I at least piss first?” Darrel asked.

“No.”

Darrel slowly walked back into the auditorium trying to hold his piss in and took his seat. On stage we’re five volunteers sitting in a row, one of whom being Janet Young. They all had a look of death on their faces.

Moments later, Dr. Paul Westinghouse hopped back on stage with all smiles. His face was bandaged up from the ass pounding he took earlier. “Alright,” he said to the audience, “the first lesson in teamwork is sacrifice. I just had all of you drink one gallon of water. So shortly everyone will be pissing their pants. Fortunately we can avoid this embarrassing situation if one of our five volunteers makes a valuable sacrifice.”

Everyone looked at each other while the five volunteers sat stone faced. “So allow me to explain the situation,” Paul continued. “All five of our volunteers have ate a fully stuffed burrito each. But here’s the catch: one of the burritos was laced with an insane amount of laxatives. And those burritos were PACKED with jalapeños, eggs, beans, cheese, you name it. So that shit gon STANK.” Paul then took a second to readjust himself for dramatic effect. “Fortunately for that individual,” he continued, “if one of the other four members volunteers to shit their pants in front of everyone, then everybody in attendance will be dismissed to use the bathroom and/or change their underwear. If the random person who ate the laced burrito shits their pants first, then that person will be forced to sit in their shitty underwear all night. Moreover, if anyone in the audience pisses their pants before any of the five volunteers shit, this process will start all over again. Any questions?”

Silence befell the room.

“Alright! So someone better start shitting or else this entire auditorium will be flooded with piss!”